Episode 3 of the Black Girl Dangerous podcast is here! Listen to Black Girl Dangerous herself—Mia McKenzie—and guests Shaadi Devereaux, Vianca Masucci and Travis Alabanza discuss black women winning at the Emmys, Serena and #BlameDrake, what Wack Flocka said about trans people, Farrakhan’s criticism of Beyoncé and more!
Some of our fave quotes from this episode:
On dating white people:
On Serena’s loss at the US open and #BlameDrake:
Full transcript below!
If you missed the first or second podcast, listen now!
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MM: Welcome to the Black Girl Dangerous podcast, I am Mia McKenzie, aka black girl dangerous. We have a great show this wee: We are gonna be talking about a lot of stuff and I’m super excited. With me this week is my friend Travis Alabanza. Travis is a writer and performer in London and they are one of my fave young folks. They are gonna kick it with me on the podcast this week. Hey Travis!
TA: Hey Mia. How you doing?
MM: I’m good, I’m sleepy. I woke up at like 5am and it was still really, really dark outside, because of noises in the house. My wife was not, she was out of town last night and we’re in this big creaky house and it does the things that houses do. I woke up because of noises and assumed that someone had come to kill me, of course. Burglar perhaps, maybe serial killer, possibly ghost. I didn’t know for sure.
MM: I was up for like 2 hours, like, “What is that? What is that?” (laughs) So basically, I’m tired as fuck now. But otherwise I’m good besides being sleepy. How are you?
TA: I’m good. I’ve got sleep vibes too. I just traveled all across London in a really busy tube. But I am happy to be here.
MM: Yeah, I am really happy to have you here!
TA: Did you watch the Emmy’s?
MM: I didn’t watch the Emmy’s to be perfectly honest because I’m old, so I was asleep when the Emmy’s happened, but luckily they have these things called the Internets. And, the Internets did fill me in on all the pertinent information. So basically, black women stunted all over the Emmy awards.
TA: Real, real.
MM: Viola Davis. Right, right. Viola Davis won for lead actress in a drama and it’s the first time a Black woman has won in EVER,EVER and it’s 2015. Uzo Aduba won for best supporting actress in a drama and Regina King won for best supporting actress in a limited series, so three Black women winning big Emmy’s in the same night – it was a pretty big deal.
TA: Hella lot of black girl magic at the Emmy’s.
MM: Right, right.
TA: What I loved personally is not only the epic-ness of them winning and the speech and them all bringing it, but just the unapologetic show of sisterhood throughout – them huggin’ each other, smiling, being loud – even from the moment on the carpet them coming in was just like, the night for Black women to own it.
MM: It was so great, all of that black girl love. Viola Davis’ speech about opportunity for women of color and she quoted Harriet Tubman, and Taraji though, Taraji was there just like loving up on all the black women winning all the things. I feel like Taraji was like for those of us who were not nominated
(she was actually nominated) but for the rest of us who were not nominated, you know, she was like our representative of being able to show that in person physical love that all of us were feeling. She did a great job at it. I watched all the clips and it was wonderful. It was really wonderful.
TA: It was amazing to watch. I could almost feel it from the screen when I was watching it as well. I could feel the magic and the radiance.
MM: Yeah, it was so great. Cuz you don’t really get to see that. Right, this is one of the most prestigious awards in entertainment and you don’t – I mean we see it in our lives, we see it in our communities – but we don’t see that in that kind of a space because there is usually not really any Black women there.
I don’t usually even watch the Emmy’s – I don’t watch the Oscars or any of that – because I just don’t really care about celebrities enough to put in that time. But when Black women win it’s really nice to see. It’s really nice to see Viola Davis, you know, at 50 finally get some of the recognition that she deserves even if it’s like the white establishment. I saw, like Ashy fools on Twitter, tweeting about…
TA: As they do.
MM: Right (laughs) as they do. They seem to have limitless time to do – Tweeting about why do they need validation from the white establishment.
TA: mmmmm. To me it’s as if they can’t even take the moment to see what that might mean for people and visibility and see what that might mean for Black folks, particularly Black women watching that and they have to bring that ash into this.
MM: Right. Bringing the ash, always bringing the ash, like they come into a space basically and are like, “that’s not enough ash here. You know. I think I need to… (laughs).
TA: Hold up – here’s a moment of excellence happening. Let me just sprinkle some ash.
MM: (laughs) Exactly. I mean I feel like this only ever comes up as far as I have seen when Black women win. Like, I never hear that when Black men win things. I didn’t hear that when Denzel won the Oscar, like, “Oh why does he care about the white establishment?” But I heard it when Ava DuVerney didn’t win. Right. So like a lot of that is just trying to find any possible way to invalidate a Black woman, and especially a dark skinned kinky haired Black woman winning on a national stage. I feel like, you know, white supremacy has trained Black men to disparage Black women at any possible opportunity so that’s what a lot of that is. But even outside of that I just think it’s bull shit to suggest that Black actresses shouldn’t care about these awards because white people’s validation shouldn’t matter. This is their field. They want to be recognized for their work in their field. Right, like when you get a bonus or promotion at your job you don’t turn it down because, “fuck validation from your white boss”, right?
MM: You take it because you worked for it. You’re proud of it because you’re good at what you do and you deserve the acknowledgement.
Right, so no, no.
TA: Right, and I think that it was so beautiful to watch Black women excelling but also at the same time so much ugly happening because not only the ugly that happens when Black women are excelling – not only from Black men – but then, I don’t know if you saw the salty nonsense from white girl Nancy poppin’ up the white women brigade – they all popped up on Twitter too. I don’t know if you saw that.
MM: Oh my god. I did indeed see it. Nancy Lee Grahn, who, is this – um no one knows who she is – I actually do know who she is because I grew up watching Soap Operas. But she is a Soap Opera actress and she basically acted a fool and showed her white ass all over Twitter. Because of course, if Black women are winning things and loving ourselves and each other it’s like the smell of raw meat to certain white women.
MM: Right. They desperately need to find a way to invalidate it. I feel like they are just sitting at their computers like, “Ok I got to find something, what can I possibly say to make this not so great for these Black women who are really, really happy right now?” So this woman, you know this soap actress
was on Twitter, after Viola’s win, basically being racist as fuck, talking about, “Why did she bring up Harriet Tubman?” Like it’s not that serious, like it’s not that serious basically. Like, “It’s just an Emmy, she’s not digging through tunnels.” Which, really? Like, really?
TA: Really, Nancy??
MM: I mean apart just from the horrible racism, like, is that what you think Harriet Tubman did? Like, dig tunnels?? Like, you legit think the underground railroad was an actual railroad?
MM: (laughs) Like, actually underground? What?? What is that??? (laughing) What are you talking about? Oh my god. Like, I digress, but Jesus fucking Christ. Diggin’ through tunnels. Diggin’ through fucking tunnels.
TA: Seriously there are some moments when white people just find new ways to shock me and that was one of them. Well done, Nancy. Good job.
TA: I heard about it happening before I saw it. I heard like some white woman’s… I don’t know… In England we don’t watch the soaps. I hear that back in America they don’t watch the soaps either so I sure as heck don’t know
her. And then I hear some white woman, and I’m waiting, I’m saying please don’t say “all women”, please don’t say “all women” and then the tweet, she drops it, she says, “It’s more about ALL women.” And I’m like, Nancy you’ve gone and done it again.
MM: Right. Cuz it’s like the same script. I swear that they just pass a script around to each other. It’s never anything new. It’s always the same old trashy awfulness. But anyway, she basically tried to say that Viola shouldn’t talk about racism and discrimination. She actually said that Viola has never been
MM: It was a nasty mess. Like gross. So of course she got dragged like a piece of heavy furniture that you need to move across the room, but you don’t want to lift it. And she deserved it. She deserved it. But she played victim of course.
TA: Real, real. Cuz I saw her. She was saying, “Oh I’ve got no publicist.” I’m online replying to her tweets and she was going on and I was like, well that’s what you get, Nancy, when you say something silly.
MM: Exactly. Nobody told you to chime in as like, “Hmmmm, Viola Davis just won the Emmy, the first Black woman to ever do it… Hmmm… What does Nancy Lee Grahn think of this?? I remember her from General Hospital when I was 12. I wonder what she is thinking right now?” Girl shut up. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody is interested. Just shut the fuck up. Like, I’m saying, but she did this whole like, the mean Blacks were so mean to her. Like, she’s such a nice white lady. She actually said, “I would have marched for you.”
MM: Like, bitch, stop. Stop. And then she apologized and followed up the apology with more racist fuckery. So, yeah. I mean I just think that it’s a perfect example of how white women’s feelings of self worth are inextricably tied to mysogynoir. Inextricably tied to hatred and oppression of Black women. When your position as the ideal of womanhood relies on Black women being the opposite of that ideal, what happens when Black women win things that you covet? Right, what does that do to your sense of self worth? If a dark skinned kinky haired Black woman can get a trophy that you will never get near. Right, like who are you if you can’t look down on Black women. Who is your mediocre white ass when magnificent,10 times, 20 times, 100 times your talent are actually seen? Like seen. Like, what is left for you?
TA: Real, real. She wasn’t angry at Viola Davis’ speech she was just angry at Viola winning.
MM: Right. Exactly. And she wanted to find some way to disparage it. Right. I mean I can’t imagine what it must feel like for these white women whose self esteem and self worth are so wrapped up in mysogynoir to see these things happening now more and more. And she sees herself, a soap actress, I think she’s been on soaps for a long, like a really long time- like I said when I was a kid, and I’m almost 40, and when I was a kid she was on soap operas. And hasn’t been able to break through to that next thing. And isn’t gonna be winning any, you know, Emmy’s outside of the Daytime Emmy’s, which no one cares. Like, what’s left for her? I mean I feel like that’s basically the situation with a lot of hating ass white women who find themselves in this precarious situation where Black women continue to win and despite all the odds being against us, and like, and they are looking around like, “What does this mean for my mediocre white ass?” Like, so I don’t think they don’t know what to do. But whatever. You know, whites gonna white.
TA: That’s the thing. Exactly. I spent some time on Nancy and then I was like, ok, I spent some time on that, let me go watch the speech again and sit there and watch the speech in awe. We actually had like all of my Black friends came round and we watched the speech again. We loved it. And then I was like, Nancy you’ve got nothing on that.
MM: Right, exactly. Viola still got that Emmy. It’s on her mantel, so she can’t take that away. And yeah, I’ve watched all of it over and over again. All the gifs, and all the… it’s just wonderful. And even though I don’t necessarily care about the Emmy’s perse, it’s just great to see. It’s great to see that representation. I know that Monday when I woke up and looked at all the clips and saw all the things, you know, and I said this on Twitter, it just felt like a really good day to be a dark skinned broad nosed kinky haired Black woman. It really felt like those moments, unfortunately, because of white supremacy, you know, on that sort of really, really large stage where Black people, and particularly Black women don’t usually get to be, seeing that just, I mean, I’m almost 40 and it made me feel really good, so I know, much younger women and kids seeing that, that really has an impact on us.
TA: Real, real. Magic.
MM: Yeah, magic.
MM: So in other news last Friday, rapper, Waka Flocka Flame, was on a breakfast club radio show talking about transgender people transitioning is the work of the devil. He said, quote, “I ain’t got nothing against Bruce Jenner but you are who god made you not who you became. That’s how I feel. God ain’t put those feelings in you, man. That’s the devil playing with their minds.” End quote. Joining me now to discuss this fuckery is Shaadi Devereaux. Hey Shaadi!
MM: How are you?
SD: I’m great. How about you?
MM: I’m good. So. Waka Flocka. What’s your response to this wack ass transphobic ramblings?
SD: Right well you know I was kind of a Waka fan, so when it happened I was like, “Waka, nooooo, like nooo Waka.” So it was like a slow motion moment for me. What Waka is saying is no different really than, I mean really, anybody, any fundamentalist whatever. I think this is like basic narrative againsttrans people. There’s very interesting, Iike, I’ll be really interested to hear, like, cuz it seems like they asked him about it, cuz why is Waka Flocka talking about Caitlyn Jenner and transwomen?
Of all things in the entire world why is he being asked about this and/or why is he talking about this? And of course, it would be like hoping for too much for him to be like, “Oh you know what I don’t know anything about that. You know what, yeah, that’s not my lane. Like, moving on.” That’s what should happen. Even if you’re whatever, you still get to distance yourself from it. You don’t have to be associated. And then no one, your record sales are good. Everything is good. You could run for president, whatever. Let him apologize not so much for what he said but he pulled one of like, high saided moves. So he’s like, “Well oh yeah I shouldn’t have said it was evil.” I don’t know like whoever asked him this question decided, like, we’re asking rappers, “What do you think about what you do think about embargos in Latin America and whatever.” And part of it is like this attempt by the media, I think, to ask rappers really ridiculous questions, because these are Black men, and they want to play on their hyper-masculinity or ask them questions about foreign policy or something so they can laugh at the ridiculous answers. So part of this has another element going on to it too, but again, someone asked you, you put yourself out there, you made yourself look like an ass. That has nothing to do with anyone else. You always have the option to decline. I think he said it’s like, “Oh kids are watching this show.” Or something like that. Kids are impressionable. He’s giving like standard bible belt answers. He’s from Georgia. I forget what part. It’s not necessarily ground breaking and part of this is, is why we need to stop looking at celebrities to have these ground breaking critiques because it’s not happening and them more you look for it just because they have this visibility or fame, you are expecting them to also have this level headed response, when there’s actually pop rocks shaking around inside, like, no.
MM: So, another thing that happened this week is that Nation of Islam leader and Malcolm X murderer, minister Lewis Farrakhan, said that Jay-Z needs to tell Beyonce to put on some clothes. He basically went on this rant about how Beyonce and Nikki Minaj and other grown ass woman, Rihanna, need to cover up because men are dogs and can’t think straight when women show their dirty shameful ladyparts. And as a man Jay-Z should cover his woman up so other men can’t look at her dastardly evil womanskins. Basically. I have to say I will never cease to be amazed at how 6th century BC men sound in 2015, like, you sound like a caveman to me. Like you might as well be beating your chest and dragging your knuckles on the ground. What the fuck in 2015? I mean I know he’s old, but like, much younger men think that way too. Like, are you Fred fucking Flintstone? This is the 21st century for fucks sake. I feel like Black men and white women are in cahoots to have Beyonce on stage wearing a potato sack. (laughs)
SD: (laughs) First of all, it seems like Farrakhan, like he’s supposed to be this whatever, “Ahhh Farrakhan”. Like it seems like he’s teamed up with the Texas School Board of Education or whatever, like, “appropriate dress attire”. I am really starting to question why white feminists, Farrakhan, the Texas Board of Education, and the dress code policy are all starting to sound alike when when we’re talking about Beyonce.
SD: I feel like we should be more concerned about this than we currently are. But we aren’t. So, first of all, Farrakhan is not necessarily using the Koran exactly, but you know, it’s kind of like the Christian thing where they kind of like loosely base it on the bible and then they just completely take a left turn somewhere and they keep going into outer space. That’s kind of like what Farrakhan is doing when Beyonce and Rihanna aren’t Muslim. He’s like they are distracting the preacher or something. But like, Farrakhan, they aren’t Muslim, what are you doing? Apparently Rihanna was somewhere in the Middle East – I don’t think they said where in what I was watching – and she had on a hijab or something. She was wearing a hijab, she was wearing something. I didn’t see the picture. But he was praising that in the interview as well, like, “Oh yeah she just looks so beautiful when she’s covered from head to toe.” And, the thing about this Farrakhan thing is that he is kind of framing – what these women are doing – not in any thing in relation to them – but in him and other men being able to accurately appreciate their beauty and to not be distracted – as if that’s the entire conversation and that’s all women’s bodies are for. Either put them to be admiring or modestly covered or not to be distractions and it’s like, “First of all Farrakhan if you’re up in the pulpit and you’re talking all this junk why are you watching the Beyonce experience? Maybe you just need to turn it off.
SD: Rihanna is West Indian. She’s gonna be going to carnival. She’s gonna be going whining, turning it up, that’s her culture as well. Farrakhan you’re trying to impose whatever you got going on with your culture on these women who don’t give not a near fuck about you. And I don’t understand where this
is coming from and also Farrakhan does this thing where he is like, “As men, you know, who ever you are, you’re Jay-Z, you’re Naz, you’re whoever – You need to be controlling your women. You need to be telling her not to wear X, Y, and Z.” Which is incredibly abusive so Farrakhan is also setting up this narrative that we also find in intimate partner violence where he’s basically like, “Listen these women out here, they wild. And if you don’t properly control them at all times they are going to get real wild and distract you with their bootylisciousness. So you need to keep that under wraps and you need to handle that.” And I doubt that, why is Farrakhan thinking that someone is going to control, cuz we like capitalists, but you really think you can control a woman who’s a multimillionaire with her own business and tour and you really think you about to… Like Farrkhan, chill out. I don’t even know who consulted Farrkhan. What was Farrakhan like, “You know what, I’, Farrkhan and I need a pop culture segment.”
SD: Like, I need to do a pop culture segment and I need to talk about whats up – like can every body just stay in their lane. Can we stop asking Waka Flocka about foreign policy and trans women and we stop asking Farrakhan about the state of woman hood via Beyonce and Rihanna and if everyone just stays in their lanes we’ll all just be fine and that’s all I have to say.
MM: (laughs) So what’s going on on Twitter right now with Michael B. Jordan?
SD: So first of all my mentions are lit up right now. So basically #makeablackgirlmad Twitter has light pitched a tent in my mentions and is currently holding the semi annual make a black girl mad summit. Because Michael B Jordan, first of all, what he did – backdrop to Michael B Jordan to explain this – he said All Lives Matter – so he did Fruitvale, so that’s kind of the surprising thing about this. He did Fruitvale, which is about police violence and this young man in the Bay Area.
MM: Yeah, the whole Oscar Grant being you know, killed by the transit police. Yeah.
SD: Exactly. So he did this and he made a speech about Black Lives Matter afterwards but now he’s like, “all lives matter.” Sopeople are like, “What’s going on?” So first of all back up. Michael B Jordan was dating one of the, well he wasn’t dating one of them, he was allegedly dating one of the Jenners.
He was walking out of a hotel or something with one of them. And so there were all these rumors about them dating and so how he responds to the rumors is saying, “No we are not dating. But you know Black people. You know how they are.” He pulls one of those, “Black people are mad that. They don’t understand relationships between two people and they are just mad because she’s white and I’m Black and it’s the 21st century.” So, ok, you got all of that down.
So there’s this GQ article. GQ interviews him and whoever interviews him is so super shaddy. But I’m not even gonna defend him. I’m gonna let the non-black women of color and white women defend him because they love him so much. But [the interviewer] totally shades him and writes this article where they are kind of making fun of him in it. I didn’t read the whole thing because it was really long and I refuse to read a multi part 4 page article on Michael B Jordan. I just absolutely refuse. For obvious reasons. But in the interview one of the things he is saying is, “Oh, you know it’s the 21st century” – oh so at the start of the interview apparently it’s a really nice restaurant in Manhattan and he goes in and the interviewer got there before him so Michael B Jordan gets there and what they do is that they hold him up at the front and he’s like, “Hey I have a table. This is my reservation. This is where I need to go.” And they hold him up. So he comes back and the intervieweris frustrated and he wants to say it’s racial profiling, but he doesn’t say this. And Michael B Jordan talks about what it’s like to be a Black man. He talks a little bit about discrimination, like dying first in the movies and he doesn’t want do anymore movies where he’s dying because that’s the Black man troupe. So he does this. He has a working understanding of race, clearly. But then he starts talking about his issues with women. He’s like, “I’m emotionally unavailable. I’m only concerned about my family. And Black people, you know how Black women are. They think I should be dating Black women and not white girls and they are mad. But this is the 21st century and people need to get with it. People need to get with it. Everything’s changed.” And he’s doing this and he’s like, “You know what I tell girls is, I understand that girls want what they want but I also want what I want. So I tell ’em what I want and they tell me what they want and then it just doesn’t work out.” Then he just whatever. So he’s basically a fuck boy who’s like, “You need to be with me on my terms, if not, I’m gone.” So that’s the background for him.
Clearly he has a working understanding of race, but Michael B Jordan is totally done with us. He did Fruitvale. He’s moved on. He got on with his Fruitvale and now he’s ready to do all the movies and break out of his whatever – being type cast. Part of it so he can date these white women in peace and have his roles and do this whole persona of all lives matter. So all power to you Michael B Jordan. When you get dragged again by the media, hopefully all people will come and cape for you because I shant.
MM: (laughs) And so you were talking about this on Twitter and some dudes who like to date white women are giving you, are basically in your mentions having some crying times.
SD: Yeah. Right. And you can date like all the near-white women you want to. Lay in a blanket of cold cuts, just enjoy it. So I talked to this white boy like a month ago. It was one date. And I couldn’t deal because he smelled like you know like hot dog water when you boil it?
SD: I don’t know – that’s been sitting out for a couple of minutes. He smelled like that. Or like… like he smelled like bologna or something. So if you want to lay in folds of expired cold cuts, be my guest. Like listen, I love a near-white man just as much as I love any other man as long as he does not smell like the back counter of a deli at the end of the day. We’re good. And usually that means having just enough POC in him, just enough indigenous. He could even be like Latino or something, just something. Like a Black grandma somewhere to just cancel out the cold cut gene so that your smelling situation is correct. I don’t know.
SD: I am not saying that anyone can’t or shouldn’t date interracially. You can be with whoever you love. But colorism is a thing. All of this is a thing. Do your thing. Please don’t drag the rest of us while you’re dealing with it and trying to appeal to like, these women that you love. Cuz it’s kind of like, you know when you feel like talking to a guy who’s not Black or – no, you don’t know – but once you get –
SD: Once you get into his car and he starts playing wrap music and he starts looking over at you, like, “Yeah girl you like that don’t you. Yeah, I know about your people.” I feel like that’s kind of like what Michael B Jordan is doing with dating. He’s like, “Yeah girl, ‘all lives matter’, yeah I’m safe, I got you girl.” Just don’t drag the rest of us along with your fuckery. That’s all that I ask. But it’s cool, do your thing, I’m not saying that you can’t or that you shouldn’t. Like, currently Twitter, they are all up in my mentions and has appointed me like, the court of appeals for interracial relationships because they took saying everything that I was saying about Michael B Jordan and saying he shouldn’t date white women or that he doesn’t understandit. Keep him. He’s emotionally unavailable. He calls women females. Date who you want. I barely like any of you. I along with a plethora of other Black girls really don’t care. Enjoy yourselves.
MM: You are listening to the Black Girl Dangerous podcast. I’m Mia McKenzie, Black Girl Dangerous. Joining me now is Vianca Masucci. Vianca is the BGD sex and relationships columnist. Hey Vianca.
VM: Hi Mia. How are you?
MM: I’m doing very well. I’m still in my pajamas, as we were just discussing. Even though it’s 4:33pm (laughs) because I decided not to get dressed today. But I’m great. I’m terrific. How are you doing?
VM: I’m doing well. You know, I’m happy to be back. After last week’s episode I noticed that what my friends were saying about me having a cackle is true. When I laugh I cackle so I’m feeling a little self-conscious now on the pod cast, but I am happy to be back. Thank you for inviting me again.
MM: (laughs) I love your little laughs.
VM: It’s not a laugh, it’s a cackle. I sound like that wicked witch from Snow White. (both laugh) But I’m fine with that. I’m just not gonna listen to my cackle on the play back. (both laughing)
MM: So, this week Vianca’s gonna answer a question from one of our listeners/ readers/ fans. We asked folks to send in questions about sex and relationships and Vianca’s gonna give them some advice. But first, we’re gonna talk about a celebrity relationship that’s causing a lot of feelings for people, whether they are positive or negative. People have a lot of feels about Serena and Drake. So, let’s discuss. What are your thoughts and feelings about this whole Serena/Drake relationship situation?
VM: About champagne papi and the tennis queen. (both laughing) About the most sensitive rapper in the game and the tennis queen. Let me preface this by saying that I am a Drake fan. it might not sound that way cuz I might hate on him a little because I’m type jealous. I’m type jealous that Drake has somehow captured Serena in his gaze and is keeping her interest so I’m real jealous about that. It’s interesting, cuz you got Drake on one side – Dude that raps about people not returning his calls. Dude that raps about all the ones who got away and there are multiple vs. Serena who is fairly low key when it comes to dating and stuff. Besides when she had this history with Drake in 2011 and when that happened then I was like, “Oh no.”
MM: What what history did they have in 2011? I don’t know anything about it.
VM: Oh my god! So they have history. In 2011 they were seen around. They flirted a little bit on Twitter and it caused some a crazy fuck ton of drama between Drake and Common who was Serena’s ex-bae at the time. So it was a lot of drama and then apparently Drake started sleeping around and Serena found out so she shut it down immediately. She just shut it down. Too much drama. Too much trifflinness. She was not about that because she is a queen She is royalty so she was like I’m not gonna do this with you Drake.
So they have history. So I remember that from the first time and my first thought is, “Come on girl. Come on you gonna let him come back again after what happened last time?” But you know, I get it. He’s been working out. We’ve all noticed he’s been working out. He has all those pictures on his Instagram. He’s been trying hard I think. If Drake can be a good house husband for Serena who’s a queen, I’m all about it. But I don’t know if he’s gonna be able to, you know Drake has history with the IG honnies who are trying to sell you t-tox and stuff like that. He has history with women who I idolize him, who think he’s a god, but now he’s in this relationship where he really idolizes Serena. That’s clear from all the things you see. He kickin’ mad stuff about how he likes her and putting stuff on his Twitter, but she’s not doing that. Maybe there’s a little bit here and there. I think it’s gonna be different for him. He has a lot to prove to her because of their history and because of the fact that she’s the queen that she is. I think it will be good if he learns how to take a supporting role, if he’s not trifflin’ like last time, if he really realizes that she’s amazing and he’s needs to treat her like she is who she is, which is a queen. I’m rooting for it but you know if it doesn’t work out, Serena can call me. (laughs). I will be here for her. Shoulders to cry on. All that good stuff.
MM: What about the whole Serena was doing great, everything was going smashingly, on the road to the Grand Slams and all the other things and then Serena didn’t win at the US Open and there was a # going on around on Twitter that said #blamedrake.
VM: (laughs) I think, it’s, I think that’s not an ungrounded sort of accusation. I don’t know. Drake seems like the kind of person who would pull you down (laughs). I don’t know. Is that terrible or awful for me to say? I remember too seeing a meme where there were all these championships that Drake has ruined so maybe, maybe he ginks, wouldn’t that be awful?
MM: That would be very, very awful. That would be terrible. But you know, I have a theory. I saw a lot of people being like “blame Drake”. And while I do agree that no good can come from lightskint dick…
MM: Like, I just, that’s my general feeling. Like, eh. Like you might be ok with some lightskint dick but nobody’s really gonna prosper off some lightskint dick, that’s my personal feeling about it. But, nevertheless I feel like, I don’t think we should blame Drake. I get why people would say that, but I really think that we should blame Madonna by way of Drake.
MM: Because you remember when Madonna planted that nasty wet curdling festering kiss on Drake and he looked like he had just eaten a bowl full of Steve Harvey’s ass after some fast walking? Like he just wanted the earth to open up and swallow him into a chasm of hot lava so the entire experience could end. I personally believe that the hand-stamper at the door of white people hell a.k.a. Madonna, like she fucked up his soul when she did that shit. You know? She planted a seed of failure, and doom, and white lady spit, that just fucked his shit up and then he just, he passed it on to Serena. You know?
VM: Yeah, that old white lady juju that nobody’s tryna come for.
MM: It was just so wrong. So yes, I blame Madonna, by way of Drake but I also blame us. Because I feel like as Serena fans we should have seen this coming. I feel like by now we should understand the evil that is Madonna and we should have anticipated this. Like, Madonna never comes into contact with any Black people without taking something. I mean, it might be vogueing, it might be corn rows, it might be your Grand Slam, it might be your soul – something is getting taken. So we should have been on top of that. We should have been on top of that.
VM: We should have warned her. We should have been like, “Girl don’t mess with that white woman juju.”
MM: I feel like Madonna now has the essence of Serena’s tennis serve in a locket around her neck.
VM: (laughs) She’s like the witch from The Little Mermaid.
MM: Right. Watch, next time we see her she might wear the locket around her neck or something. Mmmm. I’m just sayin’.
VM: (sings) “Poor unfortunate souls”.
MM: So, one question from one of our fans/readers getting some advice from Vianca, “What’s the question?”
VM: So let me read this question. It’s actually a really good one. This is totally anonymous: “My girlfriend wants me to siton her face. I’m a big and beautiful woman weighing in at 234 lbs. Is that safe?”
So, my initial thoughts are, yes absolutely it’s safe. The reason I say that is because face sitting is something that – it’s a kink, it’s a fetish act – and it’s usually something that men and women and people who identify as other genders will appreciate bigger women. They do as a way to praise these women’s bodies. For that reason it’s sometimes called “queening”, because this woman’s your queen and she’s using your face as her thrown, because that’s the kind of guy she is, that she can use your face as her thrown. So initially my reaction is yes, absolutely, this is what people do, it’s really for, it has been created by people who appreciate bigger women and want to respect and appreciate them the way that they deserve. So, yes, but of course with any sort of kinky thing, especially with the sensory deprivation kinds of things, you want to take precautions and the first of those would be to talk to your partner about what exactly they want. Really delve into that situation because there are a lot of things that people are looking for from face sitting and some of that can be sensory deprivation, which would be sexual asphyxiation, which I’ll talk about in a second cuz that’s a bigger issue or it can just be like someone who just appreciates being used by someone as an object. There’s that sexual objectification that people appreciate.
So first I would say try to understand what your partner’s trying to get from it. Cuz that will help you understand what safety issues you have to think about. That’s the firs step. The second step would be to create a safe word or gesture, because you know if your puss is all up in your girlfriend’s face and she can’t really talk, she’s muff mouthin’ it, you’re gonna want to have one of those kinds of things. So, safety gesture or safe word. Cuz your girlfriend might not want you to actually smother her but she might want to have your essence in her face so she’d still be able to breathe, still be able to talk, so go back and have that conversation, then create a safe word/safe gesture. Then you can dive into it taking some precautions. The first thing is to make sure your partner’s head is on a firm surface, but that there is some cushioning, because the suffocating thing can happen with the mattress. People getting sunked in. So I would say, on the floor, or on a firm couch with a cushion behind your lover’s back who’s about to be sat on. It’s really important. You don’t want to damage that head. Reverse cowgirl position is really good for this because it’s easier for you to control how much weight you are putting down on someone.
MM: For anybody who doesn’t know what reverse cowgirl is.
VM: Yes, basically helping someone being on top but in the reverse position. So instead of being face to face, you’re like ass to face. Your ass is all up in their face and your face is looking down at their feet. Basically. So you’re in reverse cowgirl position, you keep most of the weight on your knees, and you really place your weight down softly. You don’t want to throw down 234 lbs of force on your partner’s head because heads are not made for that, which is probably what your concern is. So you can control how much weight’s being put on her. And reverse cow girl positions good because if your partner gives you that signal you can immediately push forward and get off that person’s face. It’s quite easy. So do all those things. And you should be good. You should be fine. Be gentle and let your partner appreciate that. But, if you have this conversation with your partner and what your partner tells you is that what they are really into about that is the sexual asphyxiation, the deprivation of oxygen, that’s a bigger conversation and investigation to do with your partner, because there’s no safe way to do sexual asphyxiation.
There are things that you can do to make it safer, but there’s no way you can be 100% safer and know that your partner is going to be ok. So I would say if that is something that your partner is interested in – face sitting as a tool for sexual asphyxiation – you need to do your research. Extensive research and there is a lot of literature on methods of sexual asphyxiation that reduces risk. You should read up on that. You should most definitely try to reach out to organizations and groups that do this for fun in your area. So there are BDSM groups, they hold classes usually for how to so this safely, these things are happening. You might not know about them, but they definitely happen in your area so find them.
Do some extensive research before you get into this kind of thing because it can be pretty dangerous if you don’t know the signs and your partner might not either so people might be like, “Oh whatever, my partner is going to tell me when they can’t breathe.” But, for someone who’s into sexual asphyxiation it’s very satisfying for them not to breathe, if feels really good to them and they don’t necessarily realize the sings of danger. So, you can’t reply on your partner’s judgment. You can’t really rely on your own either and it’s not the same for every person. I know that there are some facial color charts produced by some people and there like, “If your partner’s face is this color they might be in danger”, but that’s not even a reliable indication because each person’s different. And you know brain damage and things like that, that can happen, so you want to do some more research on that. You definitely want to read and go to a group. You want to talk to people before you get involved in that kind of play. Go for it if that’s something you are comfortable with and your partner is interested in it. You should go for it, but just take the proper precautions.
MM: If anyone has questions for Vianca related to sexual relationship, please do Tweet them to her at @viancjm
VM: And we will have a column coming out in the next couple of weeks with the first round of questions.
MM: We have a bunch of questions that folks submitted that Vianca will be answering in her column this month so look for that! It’s gonna be hilarious and amazing and wonderfully informative. Thank you so much Vianca!
VM: Thank you!
MM: And thank you to Travis and Shaadi for joining me this week and thank you to everybody for listening to the Black Girl Dangerous podcast. We will see you again next week.
The Black Girl Dangerous pod cast is a production of Black Girl Dangerous media.