by Vianca Masucci
After a hoard of hillbillies flooded Target’s social media pages with their hate speech in response to the company’s decision to remove gender branding from their toy aisles, I decided that it was time to pay Target a visit. In solidarity, of course. As I entered the store—making sure to look away from the capitalist thirst trap that is the 1-3$ section—I saw a garden of 79$ mini-fridges and those colorful multi-head lamps that always seem cool until they start melting and droplets of plastic magma burn through your hands. This sale could only signify one thing: college time! I couldn’t help but reflect on my own college years…and all of the fucking fumbles, the sex stumbles, and the cunt calamities that salted my college years came to the forefront of my thoughts immediately. WHY DO AWKWARD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?
As a nerdy pan girl with the social skills of a feral cat, my memories of college lovin’ are a blur of forehead slaps and weird smelling fingers. But my muff missteps have helped me reach sexual enlightenment and, like a Buddha of booty, I want to share some the truths that helped me demystify sex as a youngster. My hope is that they can help some of you crazy coeds reach nirvana.
Lie: Lube is Optional
If you’re what whating in the butt, lube is absolutely mandatory. Anyone who tells you otherwise is as misguided as those women who hold up signs on the internet saying that they don’t need feminism. Sista gurl, please. Spit is the best lube but it is hard to harvest en masse. I suggest a synthetic lube: either water or silicone based. Each have their own pros and cons—water is more gentle on her vagesty but dries fast, silicone dries slow but can deteriorate silicone sex toys—but both will save your ass from pain, literally.
Truth: Sexual Satisfaction =/= Orgasm
The idea that orgasm is the only indication of sexual satisfaction is limited, heteronormative, and probably conceived by the kind of guy who is voting for Donald Trump. Sex is more than a bodily ask-and-respond, more than in-and-out style forking. It is an inclusive experience that excites all of your senses and interacts with your erotic mind…kind of like Beyonce’s video album Beyonce. Don’t feel pressure to make your partner come every time you’re intimate; focus on pursuing mutual pleasure instead. Orgasms are not the only indication of pleasure—think of them not as an applause, but a standing ovation.
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Lie: There is Something Wrong with You
No matter what you’re into sexually, it’s not dirty or wrong or bad. My eyes roll to the back of my skull when someone tries to qualifies sexual behavior as ‘normal’ or ‘abnormal’. So, it’s ‘normal’ for people to eroticize lacy panties, but not latex panties? It’s ‘normal’ for people to be turned on by a pair of nice legs, but not a nice pair of feet? It’s ‘normal’ to play sexy doctor, but not sexy primary presidential candidate? Guh, the distinction just seems so arbitrary. Everyone eroticizes something. Just because your fantasy or fetish may be different than what most people are into doesn’t mean it’s bad. It just means that your erotic wiring is a bit different. And different can be hella sexy.
Truth: Sex is Funky
A topic that always comes up when it comes to going down is smell. And, I’ll be honest with you: sex has a smell. Sweaty bodies and spicy genitals combine to create a special brand of humidity called ‘sex funk’. This is normal and you should not feel self-conscious about your smells. Genitals are not nicknamed potpourri or fresh-baked-cookies. They’re called junk for a reason. No worries: genitals are an acquired smell and taste that sexually active adults acquire rapidly. Sex is about becoming intimate with the way your partner’s body feels, sounds and smells. Consider this one more awkward, yet amazing aspect of sexual intimacy.
Lie: Sex Comes Naturally
I know that those cute, skinny bitches on Queer as Folk and the L Word make sex seem so effortless. But, in the real world, pubic hair does not grow in Picasso prints and making 1+1=1 is more than just a math conundrum. No one is born a sex god; after all, annilingus skills are not a recognized Darwinian adaption (unless your name Romaaaine). The formula for good sex is simple though: one part mutual respect, two parts communication, two parts effort. It is okay for you to be a sex mortal. You will become deified as you communicate with your partner, learn what they like, and tailor your technique to their preferences.
Truth: No Matter Who You Are, You Can Get It (If You Want It)
No matter what you look like or what kind of person you are, there is someone out there that’s into it. This is apparent by the fact that Mitt Romney has a wife. Human sexuality and pattern of sexual attraction is very complex. Everyone in the world has a different opinion of what rings their bell. The model individual that the mainstream media is constantly trying to measure you up against is body fascist, corrupt, and prejudice. Don’t allow yourself to believe you need to be a certain way to find a relationship. That’s bullshit. Be your fabulous, born-queer-with-a-rainbow-aura self.
Lie: Safe Sex is For Losers
Everyone thinks this until they catch a case of barnacle dick. Eight minutes of pleasure is not worth a lifetime of furtive groin scratches and cooling creams. Anyone who does not get this does not respect you. Run away if you encounter someone trying to dissuade you from having safe sex. If they’re not safe with you, they’re definitely not trying to be safe with any of their other partners.
With that, I wish you the best of luck on your intimate endeavors. If you find yourself needing some further advice, ask a question in the comments section of our Facebook page and I’ll have answer for you next month!
Hailing from Newark, New Jersey, Vianca Masucci is a health advocate working to eliminate health disparities in underserved populations. Her voice is influenced by her experiences navigating this world as a queer, Afro-Latina with a thousand-year-old soul and an insatiable appetite for social justice. Her Meyers-Briggs personality type is IDGAF.
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